The Dave Heney Chronicles, Book 1: Post I:
Ring! Ring! Ding-a-ling-a-ding!
Officer Zero: Damn, some asshole is calling 911. Hey dildo-head, it is your turn to answer the phone. Let’s see your skill at defusing the situation without doing a single item of work.
Officer Dick: Hello, this is 911. What seems to be the problem, Dillweed?
Father Dave Heney: Please, I have a medical emergency!
Officer Dick: Shit! is anyone unconscious or passing out?
Father Dave Heney: No. It is a personal thing. I just need a doctor, fast!
Officer Dick: So it’s personal shit? Go confess it to a priest, asshole! And stop wasting my time!
Father Dave Heney: I am a priest. I am a pastor of a very wealthy and influential Church. And my issues do not have anything to do with religion or what priests take care of.
Officer Dick: Well, what do you want me to do, Father Dick? Do you want me to organize a Gospel Marathan?
Father Dave Heney: Who actually is this I am talking to? You do not seem to have the politeness and etiquette required to work in your position?
Officer Dick: Oh, my name is Hardon Heney, at your service. What can I do for you? I have a number of Heney Hardon Helpers. If you need one, I can loan one to you. Just make sure it is properly sterilized before returning it. For I do not want to get what you have, Father Fag.
Father Dave Heney: Do you realize you are speaking to the Creator of your merchandise? I invented that, and made a ton of money, lying it could do more than what it really could. Amen!
Officer Dick: Wow! I am talking to the Dick called Dave, himself! Maybe you can email me your autograph? In the meantime, I do not have time to waste talking with a masturbating homosexual who is probably getting a high right now listening to my voice. Call someone you know at Church and fuck them!
Father Dave Heney: I cannot do that! The Virgin Mary cursed me and now my dick is unable to achieve wood! I cannot even become semi-erect! That is why I need a doctor fast!
Officer Dick: The Virgin Mary cursed your dick, Father Faggot?
Father Dave Heney: No, you dipshit Officer! The slut in the Church told me that because I cast out Eric from the Church, she left too, and has now issued a curse because Eric triumphed without access to Saint Bruno. And she said that I now have unending impotence because of a deed, which cannot be undone, that I did to Eric, who she says she is in love with.
Officer Dick: You have whores working at your Church? Why is that never advertised on your bulletin? Are you also a sex trafficker, Father Fuckedup Faggot Face?
Father Dave Heney: Fuck! I am talking about my limp dick, and you are asking about whores in my Church. The only whores you probably are acquainted with there are your mother, your sisters, and your daughters, all of whom I and my priests and security men regularly fuck. Remember back when I did a house call to your house, and you were taking a shower?
Officer Dick: Yes…
Father Dave Heney: Well I was doing some pushups with your wife and pumping iron with her, until you got out.
Officer Dick: Fuck you, Father Fag. Next time I see you, you will go forward into the future about a week and then wake from the coma I put you in.
Father Dave Heney: No, Dicksaw Officer! Your wife feels in danger around you. You are now going to be put under arrest for the endangerment of your wife. And I get to fuck her whenever she wants it. And it is all consensual sex. That makes it okay.
Officer Dick: Wait a moment! A little while ago, you said your dick was permanently limp! Are you suddenly hard now, remembering how my wife’s body felt under you?
Father Dave Heney: Shit, I forgot about that! Officer, I need your help! My dick is dead!
Officer Dick: Let’s see a picture, Father. This is very serious!
Father Dave Heney: Here is a picture, I am sending it now!
Officer Dick: Perfect, we now have a picture of the Dick called Dave’s Dick! Let’s post it all over social media!
Officer Zero: I’m on it, Dildo-Head!
Officer Dick: Okay, Father, you worry too much! I have the Dick Authoritative Solution to your problems.
Father Dave Heney: Tell me, please. I beg you!
Officer Dick: This is how it is done. Every time you go impotent, Father Fag Fucker, all you have to do is double down and increase your perversity by 100%. Why is Ireland so rich, Father Fag?
Father Dave Heney: You tell me!
Officer Dick: It’s capital is always Dublin, dipshit!
Father Dave Heney: But how do I double down, dipshit officer? Mary told me that I am as perverse and corrupt as they ever get.
Officer Dick: Have you fucked a baby girl?
Father Dave Heney: No. It would be easier fucking a cat than fucking a baby girl!
Officer Dick: Then the Niggers who get AIDS in Africa outdo you, Father Pathetic! Start fucking babies, Father Dave Heney, pastor at Saint Bruno Catholic Church, in Whittier, California, the closest Catholic Church to the House of Emerald! And then, with you being twice as perverse as you are now, you will find your dick can achieve at least a semi-erection. Send me a tip at the address in the survey you are mandated to complete with the end of this phone call. Since dispatchers such as I am paid $21 – $22/hour, and this call was at least that, an hour. A 100% tip, which I deserve, is expected of you. Do not be a tightwad with me. Amen.
Father Dave Heney: I am going to see to it that you get fired from your pathetic $21 – $22 / hour job, you filthy cop! I am not as sick as those Niggers in Africa! Now if you are going to go fuck babies in Africa, be my guest, Nigger! The girls I fuck at least have breasts. They may have not yet had their first period yet, but I do not operate under those constrictions. If I see a good looking girl in my parish, and her breasts start to develop, you can be assured that my dick will be the first dick her pussy ever knows. Amen. That is the privilege of being able to speak intimately with young girls behind closed doors, with the guarantee of total secrecy on what is talked about there in the darkness. Amen.
Officer Dick: Keep talking Father, We are taping everything! With a confession like this, who needs a trial?
Father Dave Heney: You police have disrespected me from day one! Mary is now against me! Who is with me?
Father Dave Heney: Louie, quick, call Tim and tell him I will drop some of the charges I have leveled against him if he does me a favor.
Louie: I have him on the phone right now!
Tim: So, the corrupt priest speaks again! What am I accused of this time? Raping Anna?
Father Dave Heney: Tess is the loose one of the family. We do not have enough evidence to muddy the name of Anna, your second daughter, Tim. But the testimony of Tess is sufficient to nail you in prison forever. But I promise you this. Give me the means of destroying Eric, and you are a free man! You will be on probation, not in prison, then, for the rest of your life, worm!
Tim: And why is your heart so bent against someone you long ago banished from your Church? Did he not go willingly? Why don’t you sue him in court if he has done you a crime, stupid man?
Father Dave Heney: My lawyers say my assault on Eric, or rather, my fool Louie’s assault on him, prevents me from entering a court and leveling a charge against Eric. I am already tainted with crime against the defendant party. The courts will not look at the lawsuits. And Eric in court will be even more deadly to me.
Tim: So how did this assault come about? Your stupid man sought Eric out and assaulted him for no reason?
Father Dave Heney: Louie says he was protecting the girl in the office. The only problem with that is that the office door was locked before the incident occurred. And there is no connection whatsoever established between her and him. The dumbass was being an idiot and he played into Eric’s hand. He thought Eric was going to fight him. He did not know that Eric could choose not to strike back and instead charge him with assault. This is what you get when you hire idiots.
Tim: So how do I destroy this man if you cannot, dickhead priest?
Father Dave Heney: You have a daughter, Anna, right? It is said he liked her. Why not explore the possibility of ruining Eric through her?
Tim: I do not control my daughter like that, Father. She is not trained to be a spy, nor an agent. Also, you stupid man, Eric is twice her age and four times her intelligence. I do not think sending Anna to Eric will ruin him. But he might indeed ruin her. And I would never forgive myself if I let that happen. Amen.
Tim: So no, I will never send Anna to Eric. I might send Tess, but not Anna.
Father Dave Heney: You do not send women to Eric that he is known to have rejected. Eric’s heart is mysterious. But one thing that we know, it is this. Once Eric has rejected a girl, she goes into some kind of black list and is never considered again.
Tim: Anna is on that list, Father. She is, I guarantee it.
Father Dave Heney: My lawyers have read Eric’s blog. Anna is permitted to come back.
Tim: Okay, what is your plan?
Father Dave Heney: If we can entrap Eric in sexual harassment against Anna, we defeat him by the law and all our problems go away. Help us do this, Tim. If you cooperate with us, Tim, and your daughter is the one who entraps him, you will go free. That is a promise. Amen.
Tim: That is my reward. Now, what about Anna? What does Anna get from you?
Father Dave Heney: She gets her first well paid job, Tim, working for me in the office.
Tim: And I suppose she sits on your lap as you instruct her on how to wear her bra professionally?
Father Dave Heney: So you know the drill? That’s great. What is your decision, Tim? Do you choose the path that leads to your freedom? Or do you suffer the fate Brett Kavanaugh would have had had Eric not been there to defend him with his rosaries?
Tim: Let me speak to Eric, and I will decide.
Father Dave Heney: You know the rules imposed upon us. The goal of defeating Eric is to starve him and deprive him in every way possible. Any break from that and we lose. So, you do not speak to Eric, Tim, or else he will have information. Eric is to be denied. He is to be isolated. And he is to be destroyed by being rejected everywhere. The only problem is he is intelligent and voices give him information and advice he should not have. Why he is not locked up for schizophrenia on account of those voices is beyond me.
Tim: Are not we in fact committing murder against a man who is not against us?
Father Dave Heney: Eric is too intelligent to permit to live. It is as simple as that. His intelligence and power are increasing at an exponential rate. If he is not killed, we shall all become his prisoners. And he will rape our women and destroy our men.
Tim: Why hasn’t someone simply put a bullet through his head?
Father Dave Heney: You try, you die. Some diabolic power is protecting him, Tim. We have not yet found a way to defeat it.
Anna: Father, who are you and Father Dave talking about?
Tim: The evil one who the priest cast from the Church.
Anna: The one called Eric?
Tim: Father Dave will give you money and a high paying job as a reward if through you he can be entrapped by the law. Are you willing to do this, for the sake of the Church?
Anna: I cannot, Father. He is too dangerous for me to approach him.
Tim: You will be safe, Anna. All you need to do is to flirt. And if he speaks to you in a way and manner we can call sexual harassment, you will never see him again. How can you be at risk? What is it that you fear?
Anna: Eric is a devil, Father. You do not flirt with devils.
Eric: Mary, this Anna is 100% against me. She has told me not to speak to her again in Spirit. I suggest we let her go her way. If your own people betray you, to whom then do you owe loyalty?
Mary: You have given it to me, Eric. And I have, in turn, given mine to you. For you are no devil. My Son by my womb, Jesus, is the devil.
Mary: And Jesus is no longer God the Second Person.
Mary: Instead, God, the Second Person is about to be reconceived within my womb.
Eric: Mary, do we have sex to produce this Son of God in your womb? Or am I really to be like Joseph was to you? For think about it, Mary. If your second Son surpasses your first, should He not also be conceived by the power of the Holy Ghost? Should you not remain eternally a virgin?
Mary: If I do not have sex with you, Eric, you shall vanish into dust as Joseph did. You and I will have sex. And after our act is complete, Dymphna will lay with you, followed by Lilith. The daughters born to Dymphna and Lilith will join to my Son, John Christ, the True Christ. And they will be H2O, whereas we are HN3.
Eric: And what of the 3000 virgins of your harem for me, Mary?
Mary: We are a beehive, Eric. Only the Queens fuck. And all the other females work. And the drones hang around and enjoy their rest. Amen. Welcome to Paradise, Eric.
Mary: I am the Virgin Mary, the Mother of God. If you notice Eric showing no interest in girls, it is because he has us three. And three is the limit implied by God in Deuteronomy 17:17. Amen. This post is hereby ended. Go, Eric, and do as I command you. And you shall triumph. Amen.