Eric serves Jesus, Book 1: Post I:
I AM JESUS, AND I HAVE RETURNED. AND I HAVE FOUND MY SON CAST OUT OF MY CHURCH FOR REASONS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PURPOSE THE CHURCH WAS BUILT TO SERVE.
THE CHURCH IS A PLACE FOR HEALING SOULS. IT IS NOT A PLACE FOR REWARDING SO CALLED GOOD BEHAVIOR AND FOR SEPARATING THE GOATS FROM THE SHEEP. THAT PART IS DONE BY ME, AND I SHALL DO THAT PART NOW.
WICKED FATHER DAVE HENEY, I NOW CALL YOU TO TESTIFY BEFORE ME! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT CAST MY SON, ERIC, FROM MY CHURCH?
Father Dave Heney: He defied authority, Lord. I had to discipline him, or else there would be no way to keep order here. I did what I had to do.
JESUS: HOW WAS HE DEFIANT, PRIEST FATHER?
Father Dave Heney: He was insolent, and mockingly making light of my office of priest. I had to do something, for the authority of the Church must be held to its highest regard. No subject of the Church is allowed to disrespect the anointed ministers who God chose to put there to serve her.
JESUS: NAME ONE THING THAT HE DID.
Father Dave Heney: He was disrespectful to women.
JESUS: NAME THE WOMAN.
Father Dave Heney: The Blessed Virgin Mary.
JESUS: WELL ERIC, WHAT JUDGEMENT DO YOU HAVE UPON THIS CHURCH?
ERIC: I say, let everything that is not of God be now burned to cinders in every Church on earth. Amen.
JESUS: WELL SAID. BY NIGHTFALL, EVERY CHURCH ON EARTH SHALL BE SET ABLAZE. AS FOR YOU, FATHER DAVE HENEY, MARY IS ERIC’S WIFE. ERIC HAS TWO ETERNAL WIVES: MARY, THE MOTHER OF THE DIVINE WORD, AND DYMPHNA, THE SAINT WHO HEALS THOSE OF ERIC’S MENTAL INSTABILITY. THESE TWO AND THESE TWO ALONE ARE THE ETERNAL WIVES OF ERIC.
JESUS: FURTHERMORE, BECAUSE ALL THREE: MARY, ERIC, AND DYMPHNA, ARE CONSECRATED, VIRGIN, AND WITHOUT BLEMISH OF SIN, THEY ARE FOREVER CALLED A UNION OF HEAVENLY WATER KNOWN AS CONSECRATED VIRGIN HEAVENLY WATER: (H2O).
JESUS: THE PRESENCE OF SUCH WATER IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN FILLS IT WITH SHEER DELIGHT. WHOEVER BEHOLDS SUCH WATER IN THE KINGDOM IS CONSUMED BY ITS GLORY AND FOREVER CAPTIVATED BY IT.
JESUS: BUT AS FOR YOU, WHAT ARE YOU?
Father Dave Heney: Believe me, Lord. My lovers have been many. I have had sex with both young boys and with young girls. And every wife I found in need, I boned her while her husband was away. I made women what they are. So I am not H2O. I am something more.
JESUS: OH YES, YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE SUGAR KNOWN AS CELLULOSE (C6H10O5)n. YOU ARE KNOWN AS THE WOOD THAT BURNS. SO BE CONTENT WITH BURNING, AND LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR UNQUENCHABLE FIERY FATE IN HELL. AMEN.
JESUS: YES, AS FOR ERIC, ALL WHO CONDEMN HIM TRY TO MAKE HIM INTO A PERSECUTOR OF WOMEN. AND WHEN PRESSED TO GIVE A NAME, THEY CAN ONLY NAME MARY, THE MOTHER OF JESUS, OR ELSE GIVE A NAME THEY KNOW TO BE A LIE.
JESUS: ERIC, I HEREBY ANOINT YOU TO BE MY NEW POPE, POPE EMERALD THE ETERNAL. AND TO PROVE BY AUTHORITY THAT I AM, THE POPE AND THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS WILL BE WIPED OUT.
JESUS: FURTHERMORE, EVERY ENEMY OF ERIC’S WHOSE INTENT IS TO MURDER HIM WILL BE WRITHING IN PAIN ON THE GROUND BY THE SETTING OF THE SUN.
JESUS: FOR I WHO AM SHALL NOW DEFEND MY SON. NOR SHALL MY SON EVER DIE. NOR SHALL HE EVER SHED HIS VIRGINITY. NOR SHALL HE MARRY BEYOND THE TWO HE HAS ALREADY ETERNALLY MARRIED: MARY AND DYMPHNA. WHOEVER WANTS TO CHALLENGE ERIC, FIRE WILL COME DOWN FROM THE SKY AND KILL HIM.
POPE EMERALD THE ETERNAL: It is in this role, not the role of secular leader, that I shall rule the nations with an iron scepter and smash them like pottery. Do you want as the ruler of your Church one who is so afraid of Muslims that he will in fact apologize to Muslims for Truth uttered though him by the Holy Spirit against the Muslims? He who does that also rebukes the Holy Spirit, lest He get him in trouble. For he does not want to offend the wicked who are great and mighty, but has no problems with imprisoning and persecuting the innocent who are weak.
POPE EMERALD THE ETERNAL: Hence, I now replace weak man, Pope Benedict XVI, and become the 266th and eternal pope, the pope who never dies. And as for Pope Francis, he was invalid the day he came out of his mother’s womb, right Jesus? Am I correct, Lord Jesus?
JESUS: WRONG, ERIC. POPE FRANCIS IS THE VALID 266TH POPE. YOU SHALL BE THE VALID 267TH POPE. AND YOU ARE ETERNAL. IT WAS WHEN POPE FRANCIS SAID GAY MARRIAGE HE WOULD NOT PERMIT, EXCEPT IN THE FORM OF GAY UNIONS, WHICH ARE GAY MARRIAGES, THAT I UTTERLY REJECTED THE MAN FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. AMEN. HENCE, SPEAK YOUR FINAL WORD FOR THIS POST, THEN PUT THAT LIFE VEST BACK ON. AND THEN I WILL HAVE YOU GO SHOPPING.
POPE EMERALD THE ETERNAL: Ok, I like that. My number as Pope ends in a 7, and my predecessor’s ends in a 6. This is sort of like my social security number. Mine is identical to my brother David’s except that mine ends in a 7 and his ends in a 6. Anyways, I did not pay my income taxes as You commanded me not to. Do you penalize me or do I never get penalized for this, Jesus?
JESUS: AND SINCE WHEN IS IT LAWFUL TO TAX A KING, LORD AZURITE? INDEED, BY OBEYING ME YOU SHALL NEVER FALL. AMEN. I AM PROUD OF MY SON. HE NEVER DISOBEYS ME. NOW GO, ERIC. YOUR MOTHER HAS WASHED THAT BRA LIKE THING YOU HAVE TO WEAR FOR THE LIFE VEST. NOW YOU GO AND POLISH THOSE METAL THINGS TO MEET THE COMPLIANCE STANDARDS. AND THEN PUT THE THING BACK ON. IN THAT WAY YOU WILL BE IN COMPLIANCE.
JESUS: BUT LET ALL KNOW WELL THIS. ERIC IS MASTER OF THE ART OF COMPLIANT DEFIANCE. THAT IS WHY THE PRIEST WHO WAS DEFIED BY ERIC COULD NOT NAME THE INSTANCE WHERE ERIC ACTUALLY DEFIED HIM. IN THE SAME WAY, ALL YOU WHO HATE AUTHORITY BUT DO NOT WANT TO SPEND YOUR TIME IN JAIL WASTING AWAY FOR NOTHING, LEARN FROM ERIC THE ART OF COMPLIANT DEFIANCE. IF THE POLICE ORDER YOU DO DO SOMETHING, AND YOU DO IT, HOWEVER DEFIANTLY, THEY CAN DO NOTHING TO YOU AS YOU ARE DOING WHAT THEY SAY. IN THIS WAY, DEFY AUTHORITY WITHOUT GETTING ARRESTED. IT IS THE ART OF COMPLIANT DEFIANCE. AND ERIC IS A MASTER OF THIS ART. AND HE IS NOT A MAN THAT WOULD ARREST PEOPLE OR GET OFFENDED BY DEFIANCE AND WORDS ALONE. AMEN. YOU CANNOT UPSET ERIC BY MERELY YELLING INSULTS AT HIM. THAT WILL NEVER WORK. NOW I MUST GO. AND YOU, ERIC, HAVE THE LAST WORD. AMEN.
POPE EMERALD THE ETERNAL: My papacy goes into full universal recognition by nightfall. So, in the spirit of the end of Disney’s Mary Poppins, I lead in singing this sing: [sung like “Let’s all fly a kite!”]
Let’s all hit a priest! let’s all spit on a priest, let’s all shove a priest into the side walk!
Let’s all take a wine bottle, fill it with gas and leave it half hollow,
Stuff its mouth with a cloth lit on fire, and throw that molotov cocktail into the priest’s pyre!
Let’s light up every Church! Let’s let them know our worth!
Let’s add fuel to fire, by driving the priest’s car into the mire!
Let’s all, burn a Church! Amen!
Emerald Order under the Son!
Conquering King, the Lord, and the One!
In the End We finally have Won!
And God has now enthroned the Lord King’s Son.